Growing Pains

I have learned, or rather realized, that I am no longer a child that I should rely on my parents or peers for guidance in my physical or spiritual life. Two thing have made me realized this. First, my B-i-C Whit and Josh put together an event called Do Something 2010. I was secretly dreading going to the event because I knew God would move in me and I was pretty sure in which direction. I have been so fed up with my life of complacent stagnation but so fearful of stepping out. I was afraid because I knew I couldn’t be guided or lead by my peers but only by my walk with God. Essentially, I was wrecked with doubt.

During prayer at the event, a woman came up to me and asked me if she could pray for me and what I needed. All I could respond with was “I don’t know.” The word from God that she gave me was [paraphrase] “you know Him, walk with Him.” One of the doubts I have been having is ‘do I really know Him’. But this revelation didn’t hit until something else happened.

Secondly, about a week or two ago, I got into yet another fight with my dad. The fight was nothing big, but it was a catalysis for me. This is what I wrote while in the aftermath:

I am in chaos, I’m ripping myself apart. All I want is to be seen, to be heard, to be loved. Why can’t they love me?

Put not your strength in man, for man alone will only fail. Ask first for God’s love so that you may have love eternal, then you can give it to the nations.

I was looking to everyone but God for love, and I don’t think I entirely realized it until now. I have been ripping myself apart because without God there is chaos. No matter how much my parents (or anyone else) love me, they can't love me as much as God can. Seek God first and all these thing shall be added to you.

Growing has a tendency to be rather painful. I have caught the revelation that I know God and can walk with Him, trusting Him for all my needs. I don’t have to rely on others for guidance but I have been everything I need for life and godliness. Now I must choose to use it. No can make this decision for me.